Narcissistic Abuse: A Clinician’s Personal & Professional Experience

Foreword.

A heated confrontation unfolds between a couple, highlighting the intensity and tension often present in narcissistic abuse dynamics.

I’ve Struggled With the Word “Abuse”

I’ve struggled accepting the word abuse. Using it in the context of being a grown adult makes it feel even heavier. When I attach that word to my own life, I don’t think of an abstract concept — I think of one relationship and one set of experiences that still live in my body because I haven’t always known how to speak about them clearly.

I’m not trying to sensationalize anything here. I’m trying to name what I lived through without turning it into a courtroom brief or a diagnosis.

What made it worse wasn’t only what happened — it was the secrecy. The pressure to keep everything quiet. The unspoken rule that you’re allowed to be harmed, but you’re not allowed to describe it.

That demand for silence becomes part of the harm.

Part of stepping out of the darkness is taking the power away from secrecy.

Truth has weight. And weight changes the balance of power.

Addiction, Avoidance, and Relational Harm

I’ve done a lot of work in addiction. People don’t destroy themselves because they’re evil — they’re trying to numb. They’re trying to avoid pain they don’t know how to hold. In that process, they make poor decisions until something finally forces consequence into the room.

In both my personal life and my professional experience, I’ve seen similar patterns show up in certain relational dynamics: avoidance of emotions, pursuit of relief, escalation, denial, repeat.

The frustrating part is that accountability doesn’t automatically follow impact. Some people can cause massive damage and still find a way to see themselves as the victim of the consequences.

But change is possible. I’ve seen it. Sometimes it takes a mandate. Sometimes it takes losing something they can’t replace. Often it takes being forced to sit with discomfort long enough that the old strategy stops working.

And when change is real, there’s a noticeable shift: the person stops spending their life manipulating outcomes and then drowning in guilt about it. They learn something most people take for granted — that you can meet your needs and be safe.

That’s scary. And it’s refreshing.

Stepping Into the Light Without Pretending I Was Perfect

I’m stepping out of the shadow and into the light.

That includes owning the role I played. I like to have a good time. I can numb. I can avoid. I can be too loyal to my own downfall. I contributed to dynamics that became codependent.

But I also acted within my values. I showed respect, integrity, kindness, and restraint. And in the process of trying to survive a chaotic bond, I also mirrored behaviors that weren’t me — pulling back from my supports, isolating, and treating people who cared about me like collateral.

I’m not keeping the secret anymore.

But I’m also not publishing my entire journal. This isn’t a confession booth. It’s a framework — for me, and for anyone who recognizes the pattern.

And here’s a truth people need to hear: you will never be the reason another person turns chaos off. That is their choice. You don’t have to wait around for it.

Darkness creates an embarrassment that can linger for years. Light makes it temporary.

Narcissistic Abuse: A Clinician’s Personal & Professional Lens

It’s Men’s Mental Health Awareness Month, and this is a topic men often avoid talking about — especially when the harm isn’t a bruise. Men are more likely to go quiet, rationalize, and suffer privately.

I understand that silence, because I spent time in denial about an on-again, off-again relationship that repeatedly left me destabilized.

When people hear the word narcissism, they often jump to a disorder. That’s not what I’m doing here. Personality disorders are clinically complex and don’t fit neatly into social-media labels.

But there is still a meaningful difference between a diagnosis and a pattern of behavior that causes harm.

This post is about patterns.

Empathy, Chaos, and Why “Behavior” Matters

One of the most destructive features in these dynamics is the erosion of emotional empathy — the internal “brake system” that helps us feel the impact of our actions. Cognitive empathy can exist without emotional empathy: someone can understand what you feel and still use it strategically.

When emotional empathy is impaired or overridden by defense, chaos becomes normal.

Some people engaging in harmful relational behavior also have trauma histories. Trauma can shape attachment, identity, regulation, and coping (Courtois & Ford, 2021). PTSD is often a “storm event.” Complex trauma is more like erosion — wave after wave, slowly wearing down your certainty about yourself.

Attachment theory helps explain why people can feel secure in some environments and destabilized in others (Bowlby, 1988; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007).

Ten Patterns That Signal Harm

These are not diagnoses. They’re patterns that repeatedly correlate with confusion, self-doubt, instability, and emotional harm — especially when they show up together.

1) The Unresolved Origin Story

Painful history can become the hook. Trauma is real. But trauma doesn’t excuse harm. In some dynamics, the origin story becomes a permanent shield against accountability.

2) Envy That Becomes Control

It starts small — jokes, subtle digs, comparison. Then it escalates: money, attention, social visibility. You begin realizing you’re competing in a contest you didn’t enter.

3) Impulse + Denial

At first it feels exciting — spontaneity, intensity, rush. But when you try to slow things down, you become the enemy. Boundaries are experienced as rejection. Consequences are reframed as your fault.

4) Attachment Collapse

You start losing supports. You stop telling people the truth because you’re embarrassed, confused, or tired of defending what you can’t defend anymore. Isolation becomes a symptom and a trap.

5) The Hidden Crowd

There’s often an inner circle that normalizes chaos, minimizes harm, and rewards secrecy. The dynamic becomes social, not just relational. And secrecy becomes the glue.

6) Intermittent Reinforcement

The relationship starts feeling like a slot machine: affection, then withdrawal; closeness, then coldness; intense repair talk, then repeat. Uncertainty becomes addictive.

7) Contempt as a Lifestyle

They find problems with everyone. It starts with strangers, then your friends, then your values, then you. Appreciation dries up. Criticism becomes the default language.

8) Boundary Testing + Narrative Flip

Micro-transgressions become normal. When confronted, the story reverses: you’re controlling, you’re overreacting, you’re the problem. You begin questioning your own memory.

9) The Discard When You Ask for Normal

When you finally ask for consistency, the connection collapses. The exit is framed as “self-care” while you’re left cleaning the emotional debris.

10) The Return

After distance, there’s often a return — not always for love, but for relief, control, or familiarity. Reconnection can feel like closure. Sometimes it’s just reset.

Conclusion

When someone repeatedly destabilizes you, blames you for their impact, and demands silence as the price of “connection,” that experience deserves a name.

Talking about it takes power away from secrecy. Naming patterns isn’t “shaming.” It’s accountability.

And yes — many of us play a role in the cycle by staying, rationalizing, and trying to rescue someone from their own behavior. We become so focused on the reward loop that we don’t notice how much we’re losing until we’re the only one left cleaning up the mess.

You’re allowed to feel angry. You’re allowed to feel hurt. You’re allowed to feel grief.

You’re also allowed to appreciate what was real without denying what was harmful.

And if you’re reading this while still stuck: you don’t have to stay long enough to be convinced it was your fault.

Author’s Disclaimer & Professional Boundary Statement

This blog contains personal reflections and first-person accounts of my own experiences, perceptions, and emotional responses. It is not intended to assert objective facts about any specific individual, nor to diagnose, evaluate, or characterize the mental health, motives, or intent of any person.

Although I am a licensed clinician, this writing is not clinical work, therapy, assessment, or professional opinion, and no therapeutic relationship is implied. I am not acting in a professional or evaluative capacity in this forum.

Descriptions of behaviors, dynamics, or patterns are shared solely from my subjective perspective and lived experience, for reflective and educational purposes. Others may experience or interpret the same events differently.

Identifying details have been altered or omitted to protect privacy. Any resemblance to specific individuals, organizations, or circumstances is incidental and not intended to assert factual claims about any person.

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