Understanding Narcissistic Abuse: A Personal Journey

I’ve struggled with the word "abuse." It feels heavy, especially when I think of myself as an adult. Associating that term with my experiences is daunting. Yet, there’s one person who embodies that darkness for me. Their actions haunt me, and I still grapple with how to articulate it.

This person knew what they were doing. They even confided in their friends about it. It’s unsettling to think that some people might not recognize their abusive behavior. They want to keep it a secret, and that secrecy is a part of the abuse.

The Power of Truth

Stepping out of the shadows of abuse means reclaiming power. There’s truth in that power. Many behaviors associated with addiction mirror those seen in narcissistic abuse.

In my work with addiction, I’ve seen how individuals try to numb emotional pain. They make poor choices until they face a significant consequence. Similarly, those who engage in narcissistic abuse often avoid emotions, seeking to numb themselves. The frustrating part? They rarely acknowledge the consequences of their actions or take accountability.

But change is possible. I’ve witnessed it. Often, it takes a significant wake-up call for them to commit to change. The most successful clients I’ve seen have learned to stop manipulating others and feeling guilty about it. They discover that meeting their needs safely is both scary and refreshing.

Now, I’m stepping into the light. I acknowledge my role in the chaos. I enjoy having a good time, and I recognize that my actions may have contributed to the codependency. However, I acted with integrity, kindness, and respect towards the other person. I also mirrored many of their negative behaviors, treating my support system poorly.

I refuse to keep this secret. Yet, I won’t spill every detail from my journal. There’s a lot to unpack.

The Chaos of Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissistic abuse is a topic that deserves attention, especially during Men’s Mental Health Awareness Month. This chronic, toxic behavior affects both men and women, but men often suffer in silence.

I know that silence all too well. I’ve been in denial about my on-again, off-again relationship with someone whose behavior clearly falls into the realm of narcissistic abuse. When we hear "narcissism," we often think of men. We associate it with a personality disorder, but the reality is more complex.

There’s a significant difference between the disorder and the behavior. Those with the personality disorder often excel at hiding their actions. They create chaos and lack emotional empathy. Emotional empathy is that gut feeling we get when we consider how our actions impact others. In contrast, cognitive empathy is merely being aware of others' feelings. Without emotional empathy, chaos ensues.

Understanding Complex PTSD

People who engage in narcissistic abuse may fall into the category of Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD). This newer category of trauma disorders encompasses various symptoms related to trauma.

We’ve all heard of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). If I were to compare it, PTSD is like waking up after a massive storm, where everything has changed overnight. CPTSD, on the other hand, is like the slow erosion of a shoreline. It’s a constant crashing of waves, gradually wearing you down.

Most of us grow up in environments we perceive as normal. Life isn’t easy, and we start developing behaviors from the moment we’re born. Attachment Theory, while seemingly simple, is much more complex than the boxes we check.

The Impact of Attachment Styles

We strive for independent and secure attachments. We believe in ourselves and learn from our mistakes. However, insecure attachments can lead to anxious or avoidant behaviors. Anxious attachments are loyal but can become overwhelming, while avoidants may run away from conflict.

Disorganized attachments combine anxiety and avoidance. They rush in to help but retreat when things get tough. Our brains thrive in familiar environments, which explains why we can feel secure in one setting and insecure in another.

Those with emotional empathy often develop anxiety and behaviors that fall into these four attachment categories. As we navigate life, our experiences shape how we interact with others.

The Consequences of Crossing Boundaries

Most of us learn that crossing boundaries leads to consequences. However, some individuals, particularly those exhibiting narcissistic behaviors, never grasp this lesson. They create chaos and then act surprised when it backfires.

It’s maddening to watch them light the fuse, knowing they’ll deny any responsibility. They’ve never learned how to meet their needs within a group, leading to a survival mentality.

I have a rescue cat named Dean. He’s timid with other cats but turns feral at dinner time. The chaos he creates mirrors the behavior of a narcissistic abuser. Instead of a bowl of food, it’s a behavior that shatters the reality of those around them.

If you stick around long enough, you may become desensitized to their behavior, mirroring their actions out of guilt and shame.

Recognizing the Signs of Narcissistic Abuse

Here are ten signs that may indicate someone is engaging in narcissistic abuse:

1. A Sad Unresolved Origin Story

This is often the hook. Many who engage in narcissistic abuse have unresolved trauma from childhood. They may have experienced neglect, abandonment, or abuse. As a result, they struggle to form healthy attachments.

They gravitate towards unhealthy relationships, perpetuating their chaos. The longer you stay in the relationship, the more likely you are to be manipulated into thinking you’re the problem. When you try to set boundaries, they’ll accuse you of guilt-tripping them.

2. Pathological Envy

We all experience envy, but for those engaged in narcissistic abuse, it becomes an obsession. They may fixate on money and attention, using it as a means of control.

They’ll complain about others while projecting their insecurities onto you. If you achieve success, they may label you as irresponsible or selfish.

3. Poor Impulse Control

Initially, their impulsivity may seem exciting. They can help you break out of your shell. However, when you try to slow things down, you become the enemy. They act like addicts, leaving breadcrumbs of their behavior for you to find.

Their lack of impulse control is often rooted in trauma. They connect relief with behavior rather than safety, leading to a cycle of chaos.

4. Attachment Collapse

If you’re in the aftermath of narcissistic abuse, you may feel isolated. Each new low in the relationship pulls you in deeper. You might find yourself lying or gaslighting to protect them.

When you mention their harmful behaviors, your support system may challenge your perspective. This creates a cycle of shame and isolation.

5. The Hidden Crowd

Narcissistic abusers often surround themselves with a group that validates their behavior. This secret group may reinforce toxic patterns, leading to further chaos in your life.

You may find yourself trying to save the relationship while they engage in predatory behavior. It’s heartbreaking to realize that you’re both caught in the same cycle.

6. They Act Like Human Slot Machines

In the beginning, narcissistic abusers can be incredibly fun. They provide a rush of stimuli, lighting up your reward system. However, as time goes on, their behavior becomes toxic.

They’ll weaponize their need for space while attacking you when you need it. This creates a cycle of emotional highs and lows, leaving you feeling confused and exhausted.

7. They Find Problems with Everyone, Including You

Narcissistic abusers project their insecurities onto others. They’ll criticize friends and family, isolating you from your support system. This projection intensifies, leading to a toxic environment where you feel constantly on edge.

8. The Velociraptor

Narcissistic abusers test boundaries like Velociraptors. They’ll apologize, only to repeat the same behaviors. Each infraction grows, and soon you realize they’re gathering data on what they can get away with.

When confronted, they’ll flip the narrative, making you feel like the offender. This manipulation creates confusion and exhaustion, leading you to question your reality.

9. Avoidant Discard

When you finally express a desire for normalcy, they may react with tears. However, their concept of normal differs from yours. You may offer compassion, but they’ll ultimately reject the connection, leaving you feeling abandoned.

10. The Hover and Return

This phase is often the most challenging. They’ll hover around, watching your progress. If they sense you’re moving on, they may re-engage, not out of love, but from panic.

This compulsive behavior is rooted in fear of rejection. They don’t return for closure; they return to reset the power dynamic.

Conclusion

When someone belittles you repeatedly, it’s abuse. When someone cheats and lies, it’s abuse. When they manipulate you into intimacy, it’s abuse.

Shining a light on these behaviors is crucial. It’s about accountability, not shame. I, like many others, played a role in this cycle. We become hyper-focused on the reward loop, unaware of the damage we’re creating.

We’re allowed to feel angry, hurt, and sad. We can also appreciate what worked, even if it was overshadowed by chaos. Breaking free from this cycle is scary, but it’s essential for healing.

If you find yourself in a similar situation, know that you’re not alone. Recognizing the signs of narcissistic abuse is the first step towards reclaiming your power and finding peace.