Can Other People Change?

When I was a kid, my parents gave me a book of Greek mythology. The wild stories caught my attention, but it was the heroes who truly inspired me. I loved reading about people who faced significant challenges, learned from their mistakes, and emerged stronger.

Everyone loves a comeback story. We all enjoy seeing a hero rise again. (Except maybe 1990s Knicks fans — Michael Jordan kind of ruined that for them.)

Even if we can’t relate to Hercules or Jordan, we all know the feeling of wanting to change. We yearn to overcome something within ourselves. We celebrate this change when we see it in others and in ourselves.

However, not every story has a happy ending. The Greeks penned just as many tragedies as triumphs. You can read about Icarus or Orpheus repeatedly and grasp this painful truth: some people never change or can’t stop looking back.

The Need to Change Someone

When I meet a new client, I ask one simple question: “What do you want to change?”

Most people understand that true change starts inside. Yet, as they share their stories, a deeper wish often emerges — the desire for someone else in their life to change. A parent, a partner, a child.

Because we love happy endings, we throw ourselves into trying to make that happen. We want to help. We want to fix it. We want the story to end well. I know this feeling well — I’ve been there myself.

The Mother Who Wouldn't Give Up

During my internship at Nassau County Medical Center, we admitted a man in his 50s who had stolen from his elderly mother. He forged her credit cards, rerouted her mail, and racked up $50,000 in debt. Despite his delusions, he was kind and sought friendship.

His mother, in her 80s, still worked full time. She was exhausted but had not lost hope. With unwavering determination, she said, “If he could just get stable, I could finally retire.”

We offered him a community home where he could find support and stability. But this was not an easy road. His mother’s hope served as a double-edged sword; it fueled her determination but also kept her tethered to a crisis that seemed to spiral out of control.

A peaceful community home offering support and stability

The Complexity of Change

Change is complicated. It’s not just about wanting something different; it involves understanding layers of emotion, history, and relationships.

For many, the urge to change someone else springs from love. We wish to see our loved ones thrive and overcome obstacles. However, this desire often leads to frustration and disappointment when the desired change fails to manifest.

The Role of Acceptance

Acceptance is crucial in the change process. It involves recognizing that we cannot control others, no matter how much we wish we could.

This realization can be painful, but it also brings freedom. When we accept that change must come from within, we can shift our focus to our growth and healing.

Finding Strength in Vulnerability

Vulnerability is often misinterpreted as weakness, but it can actually be a source of strength. By allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, we pave the way for genuine connections and deeper understanding.

Sharing our struggles fosters community and support. It reminds us that we are not alone in our challenges and that change is a journey we can share with others.

The Power of Stories

Stories have an incredible ability to inspire and transform. They anchor us in our shared humanity and highlight the resilience of the human spirit.

When we hear about others overcoming significant challenges, it ignites a spark within us. It encourages us to reflect on our own journeys and the changes we aspire to make.

Embracing the Journey

Change isn’t a final destination; it’s an ongoing journey filled with ups and downs.

Embracing this journey requires being patient with ourselves and others. It means recognizing small victories and learning from setbacks along the way.

The Importance of Support

Having a strong support system is essential during the change process. Whether it's friends, family, or professionals, being surrounded by positive, encouraging people can be transformative.

Support can take many forms — a listening ear, a helping hand, or even someone who believes in us when we struggle to believe in ourselves.

The Path to Personal Transformation

The transformative power of change lies within each of us. It’s about confronting our challenges, learning from our experiences, and growing stronger in the process.

While we may wish to change others, the most profound changes often emerge from within ourselves. By embracing our unique journeys and supporting those around us, we create a ripple effect of positive change.

In the end, we are all heroes in our stories, navigating the complexities of life and striving for growth. Let us not only celebrate that journey together but also honor the struggle and strength it takes to change.